Wow it feels like an eternity and a different world since my last post, when I was Happily plodding away making presents for a happy little christmas just around the corner.
We have spent parts of the last week in a 24 hour family huddle around his bedside at his home, where he wanted to die. He was able to talk until the last day or so, this meant we got to have last conversations that mean so much to me, talks about being reincarnated as a cow so he could live on the farm forever, I promised him I would try not to eat him! still having a laugh, I let him smell his last flower, a pink vintage tea rose which I have brought home to save forever. He died on Tuesday while I stood at the end of his bed discussing with family how to drag photos to a new album on my macbook, I looked up, noticed his colour was shockingly different to the last time I was in the room and then he squinted hard and was gone, just like that, all the stories of long deaths with drawn out breathing patterns were not for us, just here and gone in an instant.
I know its very special to see something like this but all I have at the moment is sleepless nights full of nightmares of that moment
an actual moment of death.
My grandfather was a Kiwi Bushman who worked on the farm and make woodworking and polished gum from Kauri trees among 100s of other jobs, so for his funeral we threw native branches as well as flowers onto his coffin, something the men in his family really appreciated, I photographed the whole funeral which for some reason I know is a bit wrong but it felt right so I did it anyway, and Im glad I did.
He is buried next to my Nana, in his spot that he has been admiring for years
It was mainly a happy funeral, as it is with old people
no tragedy to mourn
just a life well lived and time to move on
As nice and finalising as a funeral is, the moment I drove away from his house after the funeral was the worst feeling ever, I cried all night, things will now be different forever.
His home with him in it has been the one constant in my life that has never changed
everything else has moved around this, everything..
but his presence remained stable and reliable
the furniture set up
everything always could be relied on
I never knew this to be able to change but here it is now
here is our change
this is our reality
I have lost my centre, I have lost my true north, my earth has shifted, I have lost my balance
I feel lost
I didnt mind who I was because I was your grandaughter, your one girl , it now feels like and empty title